Tractor Porn

These days, we are all about the farm equipment. Yes, we live on a farm in Galicia. But I’m pretty sure that this has less to do with farming than it is due to ‘Boys and their toys.’

I know all about different types of tractors now. Including low rider orchard tractors. They actually have those. Perfect for grapes and fruit growing. Over breakfast today, my husband, Jeff showed me one on his iPad.

‘Look at this thing. It has tracks on the back. For growing on a slope. And it comes in white.’ His favorite color for large farm machinery and Audi R8’s.

‘But our land is perfectly flat.’ I reminded Jeff.

‘You’re missing the point.’ He chided. Then he returned to reciting all the features of Ferrari of farming equipment.

The other night, I awoke around 2am. Rolling over, I quickly realized Jeff was not in the bed. Looking towards the door, I saw blue-ish flashing lights and the murmur of voices. Who was he talking to?

I got up and groggily made my way out into the hall. The voices got louder. His office door was not entirely shut. I quietly pushed it open and found Jeff sitting in front of the computer watching a video.

Here is where wives the world over discover their husband has a penchant for something they were previously unaware of. Perhaps something they wouldn’t want their neighbors, or their mother, to know about. It might even involve equipment of some kind. I inched closer to the screen, having left my glasses on the nightstand, I was struggling to focus as the guy was pushing something from behind. Suddenly, Jeff detected my presence,

‘Oh!’ He said ‘You startled me.’

I bet, I thought.

‘What are you doing?’ I asked, eyes narrowed.

He slid his office chair over. ‘Come watch this. It’s pretty cool.’ He reversed the video back to the start. I braced myself. But it wasn’t porn. At least not that kind. It was a guy with a light weight walk-behind tractor demonstrating how vertical tiling protects top soil and allows for better drainage. Seriously. At 2am. It was Tractor Porn. Sorry, Joan. That’s what your son is into now. 😳

Now, I’m not saying I don’t like tractors. I do. They are a very real part of the traffic jams at the roundabout in Melide. I love getting stuck behind them on the way into town. It slows me down. I remember being in the Hawaiian islands, or in The San Juan Islands of Washington State. Living where we live now is like living on an island. They call it ‘island time’. You slow down because you really have nowhere to be. There is no rush. And the big tractors that pass our gate are driven by farmers who always wave. Somehow, tractors beget waving. Something cars and trucks do not. But we need another tractor like hole in our heads.

I had to go to the Dr yesterday in Palas, and Jeff tagged along to stop off at Toñio’s. It’s this back door, sort of secret hole-in-the-wall hardware store with no sign. The guy, Toñio, is awesome. No matter who he is helping, when he sees Jeff he stops everything. ‘Jeffrey!’. Neither speaks each other’s language but it doesn’t stop them for a moment. Jeff loves Toñio and Toñio loves Jeff. And Toñio delivers heavy things to our house, for free. Near Toñio’s shop, a new store has just popped up. And in the window they have that walk behind tractor thing that Jeff was watching on YouTube at 2am. The 740, in blue.

‘Stop the car!’ Jeff shouted.

I immediately pulled over and he hopped out. Pressing his nose to the glass, Jeff had the look of a kid outside a candy store. Then he turned to encourage me out of the car. I complied – eyes rolling.

‘That’s it.’ He said poking the glass. ‘Isn’t she a beauty? And we can get all the attachments for it, for the stuff you want to do. There’s even a wood chipper.’

My ears perked up.

‘Can I get it?’ He asked. Like we were at a toy store and he was holding up a yellow Tonka truck. I should have said ‘Sure. When hell freezes over’, but I smiled and nodded. Because Jeff gets what he wants, come hell or high water. But the shutter was down and they were closed. We will have to go back next week.

Jeff is slowly dragging me into the dark den of Tractor Porn. I want to say I’m going kicking and screaming, but that’s simply not true. Because, if I’m honest with myself, he had me at wood chipper. And, sadly, he knows it.